I'm almost a little bit confused as to what has been happening to me these past few weeks. Granted, I've always leaned a bit towards the antisocial side of association. I've never been too fond of spending time with other people. I'm not sure why. There has always been something beautiful and pure about solitude that I cannot fully explain in words. Most people do not understand this beauty, nor do they wish to. That is fine.
Still, it is sometimes nice to spend time with close friends. Usually I end up feeling better after spending time with my truly good friends.
But, I can't really explain it, lately I don't feel like spending time with anyone. I'm almost always clinging to those moments of solitude that I have, sometimes even going out of my way to create a few extra moments throughout the day.
It's almost as if I've lost the ability to properly interact with anyone. I am lost. I am confused. I do not understand how things work anymore. Have I forgotten how to talk to people?
I think it's just because my lack of faith has spread from myself to the general public and is now seeping into my close friends. My friends are miracles of life. They really are. How the put up with me and how they are just so good about everything in general is... amazing. But, even with all their good, my bad crawls into it.
I have never been very trusting. Never. Even with my closest friends, there are things that some of them know while others don't. There's almost some sort of filter between my mind and my mouth. Whenever I want to try and tell them something, I just... can't. The words don't form, the timing is off, I can't explain things properly. It's all just wrong. I can't trust them. I don't.
What an awful thing to say about the people you love the most.
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